The God-moments

God is troubling me.

This I am certain of, suddenly. He is stirring up a spirit of discontent with comfort and security. I keep thinking of this in terms of going someplace physical, but perhaps he has a more daunting challenge set out for me. Maybe he's troubling me because he wants me to start on a spiritual journey - a fear-inspiring, dreadful trip onto a rough, dark, heaving spiritual ocean, with not a glimpse of the shore.

How can I wait on him, with such a journey looming on my horizon? With patience and trust, I suppose. Consulting my travel agent for lists of the things I'll need to pack - perhaps a bottle of fortitude, a flagon of hope, and a LOT of his word. His promises, his commands, and his reassurances, packaged and wrapped in his everlasting love.

God spoke through me yesterday. It's a peculiar feeling, and one I'm just starting to realise may be behind my perpetual reluctance to stay close to him. I was rostered on for prayer time at church, and decided that instead of preparing something, I'd wait and see what God wanted me praying about. So my prayer time approached, and the theme of the service was repentance, so I thought, "I should read out a psalm on repentance!" I opened my bible where Psalms should be, and found Isaiah. I sighed and tried again - Isaiah again! I was about to try again when I realised that I seemed to have opened to the same page twice. Hmmm. In case God was trying to tell me something, I read the passage I was drawn to -

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned. You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest, as men rejoice when dividing the plunder.

For as in the day of Midian's defeat, you have shattered the yoke that burdens them, the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor.

Every warrior's boot used in battle and every garment rolled in blood will be destined for burning, will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this.
Isaiah 9:2-7

I walked out the front, read this passage in a loud voice, and prayed something about opening our hearts to God, repenting for the things we had done and failed to do, for his forgiveness to clean and bless us, and transform our lives... I think.

Hmmm. Not my usual communal prayer style. It startled my husband a little. It startled me more than a little when I thought about it.

I seem to have 'God moments' whenever I've been walking close to God for a while. I see someone, I hear something, I have a certain duty... and God gives me words to say to a specific person, or to a group of people. It's disorienting in one sense, because all of a sudden words are on the tip of my tongue, and they didn't spend time hatching out as thoughts in my mind. Those moments are also exhilarating, and I've always thought I longed for them.

But it's occurred to me that maybe these 'God moments' are behind my lack of consistency in seeking God. I do, firmly, believe that they're from God. I have a choice - I feel every time an option to open my mouth and speak, or to close my mouth and speak my own words. But maybe I'm shy of a gift which turns up with such force whenever I've surrendered my heart and life to God. Maybe, deep down, I feel as though I'm walking next to white-hot fire - and I don't want to be burnt away. Maybe this is my burning furnace, and I'm scared of the heat.